Puso, Hindi Siya Para Sayo.

joenasandiego

Hindi ko alam kung bakit paulit-ulit. Bakit paulit-ulit mong hinihiling ‘to?

Puso, hindi siya para sayo.

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Hindi para sayo ang lugar na ‘to. Hindi para sayo ang pagyaman na gusto mo. Hindi para sayo ang sakit na paulit-ulit mong inaayawan pero paulit-ulit mo ring binabalikan.

Tama na. Hindi siya para sayo.

Kagabi sinabi mo, “Konti pa. Kakayanin ko pa.”

Hindi mo ba naiintindihan? Hindi mo kaya. Kailangan mong tanggapin na hindi mo kaya. Kailangan mong tanggapin na mahina ka. Kailangan mong tanggapin na hindi mo kaya mag-isa. Kailangan mong malaman na minsan sa pagsuko, dun pa tayo lalaya.

Lalaya sa lahat ng sakit.

Suko na, puso. Hindi na natin kaya.

Hindi na natin naiintindihan. Hindi na natin kaya magmahal. Hindi na natin kaya magtiwala. Hindi na natin kaya umasa.

Suko na. Hindi na kaya.

Ngayong gabi, tawagin natin ang Diyos.

Sabihin natin ang lahat ng sakit. Magsumbong tayo. Sabihin natin kung…

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I’m Glad We Ended

joenasandiego

Hi. We haven’t spoken for years yet here I am. I’m now opening the door I’ve completely shut down years ago. I’m now making my first steps to come in again. I am welcoming our past back.

These wounds will no longer be hidden.

Tonight, for the first time since I locked it down, I’m opening our box of memories. I’m slowly, fearlessly, with deep joy in my heart, flipping each pages of moments we had. Tonight, in a very long time, I am seeing you again for all the right things you’ve done and not for that one mistake you made.

Tonight, I am freeing you from all the guilt. I am looking at us again with fresh eyes just like the first time. My heart is overwhelmed by the amount of grace our stories was able to see and get a hold of. We were both so broken but…

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Tears of Fear; Tears of Faith

"Struggle if you must but at the end of the day, obey"  Kathryn Grace Magsombol (a dear friend of mine)  It has been more than two academic years when I was challenged to be the chairperson of one of my Christian organizations, the UP Dormitories Christian Fellowship (DCF). Because of my academic load now I… Continue reading Tears of Fear; Tears of Faith

Fight for Another Day

thisarvinkid

The World Health Organization estimates that there are more than 300 million people suffering from depression. Anyone can fall prey to it. It knows no age, no race, no gender. It has led many to give up on their lives. With global suicide rates going as high as more than 10%, it kills more effectively than more diseases. What hope is in sight and what help is available?

Even as a professing Christian, I have encountered problems concerning my mental health in college. The demands of academics and extra-curriculars, plus the stresses of relationships took toll on me.  At daytime, I would pretend to look normal, trying to function. But every night, I would break down, paralyzed to do any class requirement. Days, weeks, and months went by, I would feel better. But at one wrong turn – an angry tone, or a failed requirement,  the monster would return, ready…

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Isa. Dalawa. Tatlo. (Una. Pangalawa. Pangatlo)

UYAYI

Isa
Isang tingin na lang.
Huling lingon bago ako umalis.

Minsan, kailangan talagang bumitaw
at madalas, ang dapat maunang lumayo
ay ikaw.

Dalawa
Dalawang patak ng luha
ang nag-uunahang pumatak.

Pero pinahid ko
Hindi pwedeng makita mong
malungkot ako.

Tatlo
Tatlong beses kong tinanong ang sarili ko
“Itutuloy ko ba ang balak ko?”

Kasi iniisip ko,
“Paano kung pwede pa?”
“Paano kung maipipilit pa?”

Apat
Apat na beses kong sinubukang umalis
pero ‘di ko ginawa.

Kasi nga, pinaglalaban ko pa.
Kasi nga, ayaw ko pa.
Kasi nga, shunga-shunga lang talaga.

Lima
Kaya sa panlimang subok
tinuloy ko na.

Hangga’t nakakapag-isip pa ako ng tama
at ang martir kong sarili
ay tulog pa.

Anim
Anim na buntong hininga
bago ako nagsalita.

Kasi ‘di ko alam kung paano sisimulan.
Paano ba dapat sabihin
na suko ka na?

Pito
Pitong huling salita
bago ako tumalikod sa iyo.

“Masyado nang masakit.
Tama na.
Ayoko…

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